I have started a new side project – My San Diego Beetch Denny (see page on right).

It seems my Ghanian beetch Richard found the photos of my wife Felchina Aynuzz too threatening to his co-existence as my girlfriend.

• East London – where else.

• Birmingham – FriedChicken.com. When your fast food just needs that contemporary post-modern edge.

• M1 Motorway – lorry decorated with ‘Only Fools and Horses’ imagery. Lubbly Jubbly.

This may seem like a ridiculous question but it came to me when sitting on the toilet, about to scrunch up several sheets of toilet paper into the compulsory ‘gift bow’.

In such a wasteful society as the West, we are not using both sides of the paper (as preached to us when using writing pads).

To all the geeks out there that will say “it has two have 2 sides because it is an object in multi-dimensional space-time and can be considered a planar surface etc.” – shut up before I spit in your face, you should have realised no one liked you from school.

I just find it strange since toilet paper is double sided (actually its more like 4 sided, as there are 2 separate layers attached to each sheet so double the surface area) yet we only use one side. What is the other side for? It seems to have been forgotten.

When using toilet roll, most of us will scrunch it up into the aforementioned ‘gift bow’ (see above) , unless you are Posh and wipe your ‘little mouth’ around the edges with a woven napkin just as you would your mouth at a dinner party.

This ‘gift bow’ shape further deteriorates the actual surface area of toilet paper used. What has happened to the other side? Who dictates which side a roll is used?

I am sure there are more useful ways to use toilet paper or more efficient methods that can be invented.

All I’m saying is that I’m all for recycling and I expect people to start using the ‘dark side’ of the toilet paper (not the best expression, I realise).

I am converted, I hope you follow…

P.S. – You will be able to tell where I live as when you look into the back garden you’ll see strips of used toilet paper put out to dry on the washing line.

Has anyone ever masturbated into a Petri dish to look at their own sperm under a microscope? I never have but I have been thinking of this concept for some time now.

It boggles my mind that I have never seen my sperm. Sperm are me and I am my sperm (or somthing like that). Yet I have no knowledge or visual registry of my full Self. Surely there are other men out there intrigued with this concept?

This idea came to me when thinking of Investment Bankers (‘Bankers’ pronounced with a ‘W’ – what, what). These men are inflated super-ego maniacs who will readily spend a rainy day, when they are not working 22 hours shifts, doing the aforementioned masturbating into a Petri dish to hunch eagerly over a designer microscope in their bespoke underwear to look at their own sperm and further realise their ability to create life and hold sway over millions of capitalist minions in their testes – truly Masters of The Universe.

Fair enough Investment Bankers will look at their Petri dish and place bets on which sperm survives the longest, give the winner a Power name (Winston, Julius, Milton) ,  freeze dry it for the possibility that a future leader may be encased and then masturbate again…

… But that’s not the point. The point is we all should look at our sperm, partly to alleviate any doubts of being a Jaffa (if you are without offspring as in my case) or if you have confidence issues and need self-help to determine your reason in this life (Accountants in this case).

Forget the spermatozoon wastage that presents MTV, appears on Big Brother and reads the News at 10 – I want to watch my own sperm.

I will have to investigate this further. The Nigerian Minge is intrigued.

I have decided that the post of the email hoax I make to my new prison beetch Richard is getting too long for posts so I will be adding continually to a dedicated page (on the right hand side – My Ghanian Beetch Richard).

Please feel free to read it – I am taking this Ghanian homo for a email hoax and maybe even get to see his poosy. Yeah, beetch you know The Nigerian Minge do it like that.

Like a seizure, I wouldn’t wanna be’s ya…

This is a new blob i have started for myself to help keep my mind right here in prison beetches.

My name is Mike Hunt Hertz (AKA Simon Adebisi AKA The Nigerian Minge) – I am in Oswald State Penitentiary serving sentence for 183 (buggery) of an undercover pig bitch – ’twas not me ’twas the one-eyed Mongoose.

Check you faggot ho’s later. Have ‘tits’ (prison parlance for drugs) to suck on. You can catch me on Facebook.com (Mike Hunt Hertz) and Hi5 (Simon Adebisi).

Like an epileptic seizure, I wouldnt wanna be’s ya…